MONDAY-Tower of London

After Trafalgar, we finished out our site-seeing bus tour and ended the last of our daylight with a visit to the Tower of London.




This constantly updated and modified fortress originally built on the remains of Roman ruins by William the Conquerer in (who knows... any guesses?) 1066 has been used over the centuries as a fortress, palace, zoo, prison, and private execution station. Sometimes it did several of those things at once.




The fortress is right next to the Thames where it could be easily supplied with provisions, royal guests, and things like the first elephant ever in a European zoo. (You all thought I was gonna say "first elephant in Europe," didn't you? Thought I'd forgotten about Hannibal invading Italy and all that, eh?)




The Tower of London is still very impressive. Twenty well-fortified towers, 8 foot thick outer walls and then inner defense walls to boot. It's even still staffed with beefeater guards since the time of Victoria who live in the fortress full-time.




So much blood has been spilled inside and outside the Tower of London, you can't help but be tickled by the very macabre nature of the place. Pretty much everywhere you look, the place just drips with English history. And with souvenir shops sprinkled throughout. It's honestly impressive how they've woven them into the very fabric of the fortress. (And the bastards sell one of my new favorite candies: Licorice Allsorts. I can't stop eating them if I have them until they're all gone.)




One of the beefeaters was our guide and did an excellent job sharing the bloody details of several beheadings. He was pretty funny too and like all the beefeaters there, he's the real deal.




Beefeaters have to have served in the British military, have a good conduct medal, and look the part as well. Why are they called beefeaters? Even our guide wasn't sure, but thought that it might have had something to do with the fact that those accepted to the prestigious position originally enjoyed part of their pay as meals served in the fortress. Those meals often included dishes fit for a king, like large servings of beef that most of the common folks could only dream of getting to enjoy in their dinner tables.




We wandered the grounds of the fortress after the tour and went into the vaults where the crown jewels are kept. Sorry, no pictures allowed here, but did you know there is a spoon that's part of the crown jewels? The Anointing Spoon is a large, ornate, gold spoon that holds the oil the archbishop applies to a newly crowned royal to say "bazinga, you're kinga." Well I don't really know if that's exactly what they say, I never studied Latin.

Aside from that spoon there are also lots of gold plates, and the biggest fucking punch bowl in the world -- I'm not making that up; I could fit my ass in this thing. Twice. Yes, it's honestly a punch bowl, not a baptismal font or something like that.


The things we normally think of as the crown jewels are truly incredible. I'm pretty into gemstones and jewelry, and seeing the Cullinan diamond (set in the Scepter of the Cross) in person was incredible for me. I didn't think a diamond that large (530 carats, about the mass of a small plum) could really be cut to advantage. It was truly amazing.

The larger diamonds in the rest of the collection were poorly cut by comparison. Their cuts were perfect, the diamonds were flawless, but the facets were so large that they looked like big pieces of crystal or glass. Only the Cullinan had been cut by an artisan who understood how to make a diamond that large really impressive.


Equally impressive for me was finally seeing the Imperial State Crown. I'd read years ago about the two historic stones set in it: in front, the Black Prince's Ruby (actually a spinel, a close geological cousin of ruby) and in back, St. Edward's Sapphire (a very old, and very dark blue oval sapphire believed to be from the coronation ring of Edward the Confessor). Seeing these two storied stones was pretty cool for me :)


Tower of London is a must see and pretty easy to fit into trips to London. You'll only need about two hours to really see and enjoy everything there is to offer.